PRINCETON, NJ—According to a new report published this week, researchers at Princeton University and the Institute for Advanced Study have definitively concluded that it—all of it—is some kind of sick joke.
Oh, you mean, not a hologram, like New Scientist writers argue? Okay …
The comprehensive study, which carefully analyzed fields as varied as physics, theology, history, economics, sociology, and philosophy, is said to have found overwhelming evidence that it is all just one big sham specifically designed to humiliate us and cause us as much misery as possible.
“The results are clear and irrefutable: Everything from the unfathomable expanses of the universe to our own continuously deteriorating bodies is apparently nothing more than an elaborate and perverse joke that’s being perpetrated on us repeatedly and entirely against our will,” said Faisal Ahmed, a quantum physicist and lead author of the paper. “Furthermore, research suggests there’s not a single goddamned thing we can do about it.”
“It is important to note as well that the more one contemplates what a spiteful and deceptive set-up it all is, the crueler and sicker the joke becomes,” Ahmed continued. “That’s how truly sadistic it all is.”
If a designer indeed created the scenario they are working with, that designer must – logically – have been abusing a template that worked. In which case, Onion has also incidentally confuted Christian Darwinists by demonstrating that we do live in a fallen world.
Otherwise, how would they, or we, know it was a cruel joke? If it is.
Onion is one of the few seriously funny humour sites because they do not breeak the cardinal rule of taking themselves too seriously. Most do.