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Microsoft “Windows Evolution” Announcement Roils Markets

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Association Press

Redmond, Washington, April 1, 2012 – At a press conference held at Microsoft’s Redmond campus at 8:00 am today, Alan Smithers, head of Microsoft’s advanced programming division, revealed that every copy of Windows Vista contains a hidden code which holds the key to Microsoft’s future.

According to Smithers, “We all know that evolution in nature has produced the most amazing developments in living things. Everything from bacteria to humans is the result of random changes to the genetic code. The most remarkable evolutionary changes occur when parts of the genetic code called “junk DNA,” which has no effect on the creature bearing it, get randomized through the eons until it suddenly becomes functional and is plugged into the creature’s active DNA. That’s how you get four legged air breathing animals from fish or birds from lizards.”

“In the computer world, the equivalent of junk DNA is called ‘neutral code.’ This is code that has no function, but which is affected by the patterns of computer usage of each individual. Without knowing it, all users of Windows Vista have been manipulating about 1,000,000 lines of this neutral code every time they touch their keyboards. On the first of April, the neutral code will be dumped into the active program. We expect amazing things to happen. One person’s new code may hold the key to curing cancer. Another one may tell us how to make cars that get 100 miles to the gallon. World peace or new forms of waterless cookware are also possibilities. We call this new version of our operating system ‘Windows Evolution’.”

Wall Street’s skepticism towards Smithers’ claims resulted in an immediate 58 point drop in Microsoft’s share price. Trading has been suspended.

Professional atheist and evolutionist Richard Dawkins explains, “What do stock brokers know? They’re not scientists. I hail Microsoft’s move as the most advanced ever made in the history of computing, if not the history of the world. They have put their faith in the laws of evolution, which are the most secure laws in the universe. They cannot fail. I just wish I could have bought 10,000 shares before they shut down trading. April first will be a day to remember.”

Contact Laszlo Bencze for more information.

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15 Replies to “Microsoft “Windows Evolution” Announcement Roils Markets

  1. 1
    Maus says:

    Is it terrible that I had to read that twice before I cottoned on?

  2. 2
    CLAVDIVS says:



  3. 3


    You could have waited 41 days to post that.

  4. 4
    MaxAug says:

    Is this thing a prank? Or is it the revealed reason why Vista is heavy and slower than 7 and XP?

  5. 5

    “Or is it the revealed reason why Vista is heavy and slower than 7 and XP?”

    Well it’s clearly an early April Fool’s joke, but I avoided the evil one a couple of years ago when I got a Mac. So the joke’s on them.

  6. 6
    JW says:

    This must je a joke, for three reasons:

    1) I cannot find any confirmation on the interwebs
    2) They would never put their theory to the test like this, because it’s obvious the ony result would be garbage (except in biology of course).
    3) The date of april 1st.

    It is well known from software development that random changes in a sequence of instructions destroys function. For example, anyone who holds that bit rot has creative powers in software development is a plain crackpot. Software development shows us very clear: In order to to create function from a sequence of instructions, you need to add intelligence.

  7. 7
    JW says:

    Oh.. and for the most obvious reason:
    4) It is filed under ‘Humor’

  8. 8
    kairosfocus says:

    Was it a rumour that trainloads of bananas were recently seen heading for the Redmond Campus to keep the monkeys going at the keyboards?

  9. 9
    bornagain77 says:

    On the more serious side:

    150 human animal hybrids grown in UK labs: Embryos have been produced secretively for the past three years –
    Excerpt: ‘At every stage the justification from scientists has been: if only you allow us to do this, we will find cures for every illness known to mankind. This is emotional blackmail.
    ‘Of the 80 treatments and cures which have come about from stem cells, all have come from adult stem cells – not embryonic ones.
    ‘On moral and ethical grounds this fails; and on scientific and medical ones too.’

  10. 10
    Blue_Savannah says:

    Thanks for the laugh, UD!!

  11. 11

    As usual, Microsoft came late on the stage and, I guess, only to show us and to the whole world that they were not left behind by the amazing project launched by IBM on April 1st 2009: Building a Whole New Smarter Planet.

    As you may remember, this IBM project created a stir and large crowds of scientists, enthusiasts or plain lay people responded with enthusiasm to this memorable initiative as you can see, for example, here.

    Dear Microsoft, as in the case of the Internet revolution of 15 years ago you were left behind again by years by your perennial rival IBM.

  12. 12
    CLAVDIVS says:

    On the other hand, regarding embryonic stem cells: Embryonic stem cells improve vision for two women. So there still may be some value in such research.


  13. 13
    bornagain77 says:

    CLAVDIVS you state:

    So there still may be some value in such research.

    and I’m sure Dr. Joseph Mengele thought his work in the NAZI death camps could possibly have some ‘scientific’ value too;

    Yet, from the article you cited:

    Embryonic stem cells improve vision for two women
    Excerpt: stem cells derived from an embryo were injected into their retinal tissue. They had to take anti-rejection drugs for a short period so their eyes wouldn’t reject the foreign tissue.,,, Many who consider an embryo to be human life have objected to embryonic stem cell research. In his commentary, Atala said induced pluripotent stem cells, which can be made without destroying an embryo, may also be useful. These cells, which have been derived from skin, can be derived directly from a patient, making anti-rejection drugs unnecessary.

    And yet,,

    Are Embryonic Stem Cells Obsolete? – September 2011
    Excerpt: Adult stem cells can apparently do everything embryonic stem cells can – and they are moving regenerative medicine forward faster, with more results. Since the use of human embryos for research is ethically repugnant to many people, what motivations remain to continue the practice?

    I can certainly see no reason for such a abhorrent, morally blind, practice!,, Moreover the results from adult stem cells have simply outclassed embryonic stem cells at every phase. Thus it appears, that the ones who are continuing to insist on their right to practice such a morally bankrupt practice are really the ones who are ‘anti-science’ and those who objected to such a reprehensible practice were right all along. The following is very telling as to what is going on behind the scenes;

    Follow the Stem Cell Money – November 2011
    Excerpt: “At long last after 10 years of unremitting hype, reality has caught up with embryonic stem cell claims,” Josephine Quintavalle from Comment on Reproductive Ethics said. “If Geron is abandoning this project it is because it is simply not working, despite the millions of dollars and hot air that has been invested in the promotion of this research.”,,, Adult stem cells race ahead: Meanwhile, Azellon Cell Therapeutics got a funding windfall for its clinical trials on a “Stem Cell Bandage” therapy, which uses a patient’s own stem cells from bone marrow to repair torn knees and other injuries. Investors seem keen on putting their money where the real hope is.

    As well:

    Dolly Scientist Says Abandon Embryonic Stem Cell Research – December 2011
    Excerpt: Ian Wilmut, the scientist who achieved international notoriety for cloning the sheep Dolly, is now urging his fellow scientists and researchers to abandon embryonic stem cell research.
    His comments at a conference follow on the major news that Geron, a cloning company the Obama administration funded to undertake the first human clinical trials involving embryonic-like stem cells, abruptly canceled the trials and got out of the embryonic stem cell research business.

    But for atheistic scientists to be so completely blind as to their moral responsibility in their research, is really not very surprising since atheists cannot even ground morality in their materialistic worldview in the first place!

    The Knock-Down Argument Against Atheist Sam Harris’ moral argument – William Lane Craig – video

    CLAVDIVS, if you truly support the practice of such morally unrestrained science as is evidenced in ESC research, you seriously need to reevaluate your philosophical basis that allows as such.

  14. 14
    CLAVDIVS says:

    Hi bornagain77

    Moreover the results from adult stem cells have simply outclassed embryonic stem cells at every phase.

    Indeed. However, the Daily Mail reported that “Of the 80 treatments and cures which have come about from stem cells, all have come from adult stem cells – not embryonic ones.”

    This is now out of date. That was my only point.


  15. 15
    bornagain77 says:

    Well CLAVDIVS, it seems you purposely left the issue hanging, without the important caveats that render the result moot, and with the clear intent that you support this abhorrent practice. Sorry if I mistook what you actually wrote with what you intended to write instead! 🙂

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