Redmond, Washington, April 1, 2012 – At a press conference held at Microsoft’s Redmond campus at 8:00 am today, Alan Smithers, head of Microsoft’s advanced programming division, revealed that every copy of Windows Vista contains a hidden code which holds the key to Microsoft’s future.
According to Smithers, “We all know that evolution in nature has produced the most amazing developments in living things. Everything from bacteria to humans is the result of random changes to the genetic code. The most remarkable evolutionary changes occur when parts of the genetic code called “junk DNA,” which has no effect on the creature bearing it, get randomized through the eons until it suddenly becomes functional and is plugged into the creature’s active DNA. That’s how you get four legged air breathing animals from fish or birds from lizards.”
“In the computer world, the equivalent of junk DNA is called ‘neutral code.’ This is code that has no function, but which is affected by the patterns of computer usage of each individual. Without knowing it, all users of Windows Vista have been manipulating about 1,000,000 lines of this neutral code every time they touch their keyboards. On the first of April, the neutral code will be dumped into the active program. We expect amazing things to happen. One person’s new code may hold the key to curing cancer. Another one may tell us how to make cars that get 100 miles to the gallon. World peace or new forms of waterless cookware are also possibilities. We call this new version of our operating system ‘Windows Evolution’.”
Wall Street’s skepticism towards Smithers’ claims resulted in an immediate 58 point drop in Microsoft’s share price. Trading has been suspended.
Professional atheist and evolutionist Richard Dawkins explains, “What do stock brokers know? They’re not scientists. I hail Microsoft’s move as the most advanced ever made in the history of computing, if not the history of the world. They have put their faith in the laws of evolution, which are the most secure laws in the universe. They cannot fail. I just wish I could have bought 10,000 shares before they shut down trading. April first will be a day to remember.”
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