Intelligent Design

Thanks for Your Support … Evolution of M&M’s

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Thank you for your support! Dembski’s copyright infringement charges have been dismissed and, after all the shenanigans of you ID crazies, I am back in North Dakota [Details Here].

TheBRITES.org

I now recognize we must all continue to contribute to the evolutionary process. Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to test the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To accomplish this, I subject M&M’s to repeated trials of survival of the fittest. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing until one of them cracks. That is the “loser,” and I immediately eat the inferior M&M. The winner survives to the next generation.

In general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshaped, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions the mutation gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the package. (M&M’s come in packages, birds in flocks, whales in pods and beer in six packs.) Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

Read more at TheBRITES.org

7 Replies to “Thanks for Your Support … Evolution of M&M’s

  1. 1
    JunkyardTornado says:

    You should be saving the weirdest ones. That’s where the real money is.

  2. 2
    AussieID says:

    Thank you, Prof. Finch, for drawing attention to the candy quandry. Your work has been duly noted and I believe is ready for publication. Chocoholics Anon. was prepared to print it, yes?

    We in Australia and over in England have been undertaking similar tests with Nestlé Smarties. Unfortunately our studies were interrupted with blue Smarties being replaced by white in order to remove artificial colourings from the product.

    Ahhhhhh, them do-gooders! Quashing scientific research for reasons related to health …

    Hopefully we will be able to mate these species one day.

    I live for artificial selection!

  3. 3
    SCheesman says:

    AussieID: Smarties are also predominant north of the border here in Canada. Perhaps they show greater cold-weather tolerance.

    Nestlé has done extensive research on the survival of different colours, as indicative of the following question cleverly concealed in a long-running series of advertisements which ran in the 70s and 80s (and maybe even to this day):

    When you eat your Smarties,
    Do you eat the red ones last?
    Do you suck them very slowly,
    Or crunch them very fast?
    Eat that candy-coated chocolate,
    But tell me when I ask,
    When you eat your Smarties,
    Do you eat the red ones last?

    http://classaxe.com/smarties/song.html

  4. 4
    bFast says:

    AussieID, we Canadians also continue to have blue ones. We don’t have white ones, however. I find this phenomenon most intriguing because the blue ones came into existance at the request of primary school teachers. Furthermore, it is usually the red color that gets zapped from products for safety reasons.

  5. 5

    1. JunkyardTornado sez: You should be saving the weirdest ones. That’s where the real money is.

    Dear Junkyard:

    You are saying we should have a confectionery freak show. This, my friend, is unethical.

    Like cloning, profiting from evolution is always unethical unless it is funding in the form of a government grant.

    Gloppy

  6. 6
    AussieID says:

    SCheesman & bFast: Thank you for your studies on the Smarties/M&M mutation/artificial selection program(me). We are incredibly grateful to the Canadian government for allowing such chocolate coated candy studies to take place. I have publication will take place soon.

    I have, unfortunately, been fooled about the ‘white’ Smarties. It wasn’t that there were white Smarties in the packet, just that someone had gotten there before me sucked all the colour off them.

    It kinda has destroyed my Smarties thesis and all my stats are invalid.

    Someone is going to pay …. !

  7. 7
    Tom says:

    I’m not entirely convinced that we should be engaging in ‘ad hominem’ type arguments. The link to the website http://cedros.globat.com/~thebrites.org/index.htm

    That you posted, leads me to digital photos of Dawkins and Meyer, which ridicule them visually.

    I don’t think this sort of apologetic is the direction for any of us to create or promote.

    It is a waste of credibility and time.

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